Never thought I’d get here November 3, 2010

There have being so many moments over the last few months where I have wondered how did I get here? Some days I am really happy. Feel like the kids & I are doing really great. Some days I’m so lonely & ache to have  a mans strong arms around me. Those days are getting fewer. Still there, but not nearly as bad as it was. We are finding our rhythm. 

The good days make me think I made the best decision, the bad make me doubt & over think everything. If we could have gotten back to a good place again. Then I snap out of it & realize that we could never get back there. We have to much history. History can be a good thing but not in this relationship. There have being to many hurts. On both sides but some things I won’t ever be able to overlook. I am very forgiving but even I can’t forgive some things.  

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It took a lot for me to say I wanted out of my marriage. I think every day about if I did it the right way. If my kids will hate me one day. But then I look at how he is handling things it really makes my decision the right one. I needed to be me again. I needed to be happy. That’s what I hope my kids see. That I got lost and needed to find me to be a better mom, a better person. 

I have come so far, but I couldn’t have done  it without my friends. My family helped as much as they could but my friends were there on my darkest days. They feed us, gave us a place to stay, listened. Let me cry & moan about it & told me I was strong, that I could get thru this. They helped me get to this place. They 3 most awesomest friends any girl could have. I’m a so lucky I had them. I don’t know where I would be without them. 

My future is going to be so good. My kids are doing great considering all the changes. We are getting thru this. I never thought we would get to a happy place but we are slowly getting there. We have some great things happening in the nex

My life is a changing…. July 8, 2010

My life is a changing…..
I don’t know how to start this. I haven’t written but 2 posts and I found myself once again putting something I was enjoying on the back burner. My husband and kids came first. Well, that’s changing. 

 

I’ve decided to end my marriage. Wow, that was hard to write. I have thought about it from time to time. Just never thought I could say the words. I was unhappy but didn’t want to hurt my husband or my kids. It didn’t matter what I was feeling, they came first. 

 

Then it hit me. I can’t be a good mom and wife if I’m not honest with myself. I had to take a hard look at a lot of things. I’ve really thought long and hard about what I needed, what I was missing. I found I was missing me. The old me that was fun and easygoing. The me that was happy. I lost a lot of myself along the way.      

 

I’m not going to go into all the details of why my marriage is ending. Just that it is. (My kids may read this someday.) It’s hard to think about ending it with someone you’ve had 20 years with. We have 3 great kids. A history together. A life. 

 

I’m scared out of my mind to be doing this. I haven’t worked our entire marriage. I have no skills and no degree. But I do have strength & I have courage. I have a stubborn streak a mile wide. 

 

I know this will be hard. It will be a huge change in my lifestyle. My kids will have a lot of adjustments. I’m not thinking it’s going to be a walk in the park. I know I will have to dig deep and find that girl who can do this.

 

I will have to get a job. I will have move back to Michigan to be closer to family. I will be on my own (w/ 3 kids) for the first time in my life. That’s a very frightening thing. It’s makes me shiver in fright but also giddy with  anticipation.

My Perfect Life August 1, 2009

I have been thinking about my blog a lot. (OMG! I have a blog!) I never considered myself a writer and here I am writing about things. What things? My perfect kids and husband? My perfect life? My dog that scoops her own poop?

 

I have read blogs kinda like that. The kids model for gymboree and the mommy’s model Victoria’s Secret. The house is out of a Pottery Barn catalog. And the daddy’s are superman with a law degree.

 

That’s not my life. My kids are cute, but they don’t help pay the bills with their modeling. I’m not a VS lingerie model, but I pretend to be when the blinds are drawn. I have some Pottery Barn, but mine is dusty and scribbled on. My husband is superman but can’t fly. Or get me out of traffic court.

 

My life is far from perfect. I yell at my kids. Fight with my husband. I slam doors and have been known to throw a remote or two. Laundry piles up. Never look under the beds or in closets. I still haven’t unpacked all the boxes from our move. (that was in December!) I’m too addicted to Facebook and Twitter. My kids have watched TV all day in their jammies.

 

Those things may put me on the naughty mommy list. The perfect mommies can have their life because mine is perfect for me. Dirty laundry and all.

I wish I could go back in Time August 1, 2009

I have thought about writing a blog for awhile. I think the thought came to me when I was on bed rest. I laid there thinking about things to keep be busy. Blog came in, twirled around in my head for awhile. And left. It came back to me a few times but, I always dismissed it because who in the hell would want to read what I wrote. Then, it came to me. I would.

I would love to have the weekly ranting and ramblings of my time on lock down. To remember the time with my husband and girls before little man came into the world. The good days and the not so good days.

Starting a blog then, would have saved all that for me. Maybe I would never have read my entries after lock down was over and life with a new baby started up again. I think back on that time longingly now, searching my memory for little tidbits that are starting to fade. I want to go back in time just to start that blog. So, my memories would be there for ME.